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January 26, 2015

I Won the Bet this Year

I have heard your tastes – the things you enjoy eating – change every seven years. That explains why I no longer enjoyed my wife’s tuna casserole about the time I turned 35. Or, it could have been we were five years into our marriage and it was the only thing she knew how to make that didn’t come out of a box. It’s kind of funny, but that is about the same time I decided Hamburger Helper wasn’t all that great either. Let me clarify this a little so I don’t end up sleeping on the couch. By no stretch of the imagination am I insinuating my wife is a bad cook. I could never and would never say she is a bad cook. She doesn’t do it often enough for me to know.

I’ve been noticing lately a lot of other things are changing as I grow older. I’m not even 50 and I do believe I’m already starting to shrink. It’s hard to tell without actually measuring, but my oldest daughter almost towers over me and my wife (who has always been slightly taller than me) now makes me feel like I should be singing, dancing and telling her to follow the yellow brick road, especially when she’s wearing heels (ruby red, of course).

Parts of my body are also starting to go to pot. I should have prepared myself when I had to get bifocals for what was to come. I hardly ever go to the doctor. I know that’s bad on my part, but I don’t have a co-pay and we have a large deductible and my wife is cheap and I’m lazy. I prefer old fashioned medicine – rub some dirt on it and walk it off. I have only had one surgery and two stitches in my entire life. That surgery was to prevent us from becoming the Duggars. Children are a blessing, but two were blessing enough for my cup to runneth over. I’m still not sure if my wife agreed to the surgery because she was happy with two children or because I was going on a cruise to the Bahamas without her the following week.  Ask her now and she will claim she is happy with only two kids – of course one is a teenager and the other is a pre-teen – who needs birth control when you have kids that age.

Earlier this year I was diagnosed with arthritis and a bone spur in my shoulder. Several thousand dollars later, my shoulder is getting better. My daughters still laugh at me because I can’t throw a ball yet, but I can at least slap them now. (I’m kidding, really I am.) Because of my aging body, we are very close to meeting our very high deductible this year. When we do, I guarantee our kids will be seeing the doctor for every snotty nose they have. It will be a monumental occasion. The last time we met our deductible was when our oldest daughter stuck a bead in her ear. They had to put her to sleep to surgically remove the bead. I wanted to hook up the Shop-Vac to get it out, but my wife wouldn’t let me.

Although I’m thankful for it, I’m still not a big fan of insurance of any kind. The insurance companies are betting I’m going to be a good driver and I’m not going to get sick and I’m betting I will have an accident or my arm will fall off. I guess I won the bet this year.

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